There’s nothing I hate more than “selflessly giving to others”.  It just rankles me.  Didn’t we all agree to just look out for Number 1?  Wasn’t that what the ’90’s were about?  Really who does that?  I’ll tell you who!  People who want something!  People who are trying to hide something they are or have done behind a smokescreen of “help” so they can take what they want from their marks. 

Them and humanitarian types.  The losers. (see right)

So with that in mind I am to present (notice how I left out the traditional “pleased”) my first community service blog where I, ugh, do something for other people.  (Happy yet, ERIC!)

So here to help you out of the inevitable social snafus we all get into from time to time are some handy-dandy apologies.  Feel free to use any or all of them whenever you, a friend, family member, court appointed legal counsel, religious leader, or massive public outcry deem it necessary. 

 -Dear Soon To Be Mom and/or Dad,

I want say again how very sorry I am for our misunderstanding last night.  I really do love Stephy and I swear I don’t want to let anything obscure that fact, although I understand how my comments during Mom’s appetizers may cast aspersions on this fact.  I assure you that in reality I do not think that your Stephanie, the apple of your eyes and the love of my life, has “the beastliest face I have ever seen.”* 

I also completely retract my statement about not needing “to meet another withered, two-timing hag that can’t shut her nag hole to save her life” because I realize I do indeed want to meet dear Nana.   I further realize that by hurling your heirloom place setting against the kitchen walls to punctuate my declaration that Mom’s wonderful meatball lasagna (which i would love the recipe for) was “harpy slop unfit for human consumption” but “fine for the little piglet you raised”  was not situationally appropriate and easily misunderstood. 

I know that in the years to come, as we all gather around to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas from time to time, that we will all laugh about that time I took a poke at Dad.  I doubt that I will ever live down asking Steph’s 16 year old sister Amy to go out to the car with me in front of everyone!  And. oh, how I will be ribbed about how I tried to hide from my “persecutors” in your coat rack, but that is what family is for, isn’t it?  To laugh at our mistakes?  And to forgive?

To be honest I cannot currently recall much after the fire but I do apologize most profusely for anything else I may have said or done.  I hope this apology is received as freely as it is offered and I hope to see you all at the wedding this June!

With Love,

Your Future Son-in-Law,

 PS.  Don’t worry anymore about your cat Buttons.  She’s in a better place now and it looks like it ended fast.  See you in June!

 -To Another Parked Motorist,

I must let you know I’m sorry about the little ding,

Which though you look, I doubt you can even see.

If you’d been here “Mea Culpa” I would sing,

But since you weren’t, if I’m asked, it wasn’t me.

-To the good people of Mullins, South Carolina,

There isn’t much time!  Still I am so sorry!  It’s all my fault!  God forgive me it is all my fault….

How was I to know?  I couldn’t I tell you I swear!  I just wanted to work secretly underneath your town, laboring to give the world a more reliable ape-based energy source, to harness the power of the higher order primates and bring electricity to the world.  Not this, not this… Ape-pocalypse. 

I know you are frightened but you must know, I just wanted to use gorrillas to make cheap energy, not create a 300 meter tall silverback that is intent on our destruction!  I didn’t mean to make him capable of unleashing the power of the atom!  God knows I didn’t mean for him to open up a forty mile wide crater along the coast!

No, don’t stop!  Run!  Forgive me!  And….. oh no…  he’s coming back…. NO!!! RUN!!!!

-To the Internal Revenue Service

Sorry man.  Don’t have it.  But hey as soon as I get some stuff cleared up with my boss about my tips, I’ll give you a hollar.  Okay?   We cool?  Pffftt, whatever man.

-So there you go.  I know there ain’t many but I “hope it helps.” 

Now go donate or buy something.

 
–Bob (*edited with great fear and trembling by Eric)

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