Today I once again am endeavoring to help my fellow man.  And by fellow man I mean fellow man, ladies.  Particularly I intend to help out my fellow man in our dealings with our fellow woman in that most difficult of social situations.

(And yes I am doing this entirely out of some vain hope of soothing this horrible nagging case of existential guilt I’ve got from living a me centered existence.  Not to actually help anyone.  Because I hate to help anyone or see anyone helped.  Makes me sick.  But hopefully fake helping people will make God or the universe or karma or whatever back off and let me get back to what is important: how I feel.)

So lets start get started assuaging my conscience.

One of the toughest things everyman (except for me) appears to go through at least once is plucking up the nerve to ask some girl out on the town and then getting shot down.  We’ve all seen it happen a hundred times.  And lets be honest all of us, when some idiot yokel of a rube walks up to some hottie he’s never met before, slicks down his cow lick and proceeds to try to get some digits, we all, man, woman, and child alike, laugh heartily as she shatters his pride and smashes his face into his own inadequacies under a barrage of sarcasm, insults, and condescension.  It is a beautiful thing!  Especially when she does it without saying a word.  Not so much because of what she did (because clearly she is a monster) but because of the temporary pain and humiliation inflicted on your friend.

But what sucks is watching some other rube who actually thinks he has a chance with the girl that he knows fairly well get shot down.  The girl even doesn’t like seeing that.  Even I hate to see that.  You can just seem him trying to keep it together, pointlessly.  Even if it is a day or two later.  Ugh.  What really sucks is how the guy will always try to convince himself that he is okay and he doesn’t care.

But the worst part is how he has to stand there and be the bad guy.  Because generally women who know a guy who asks them out won’t be the bad guy.  They will do anything to not be the bad guy.  And that just sucks.  Because getting turned down by any girl hurts, but to be shot down by a nice girl who you can’t disagree with doesn’t even leave a dude the consolation prize of hating her guts and proving you can do better just to spite her.  Plus that usually leaves you with nothing to say!

SO in case you get one of the most common girl cop-outs here are some handy-dandy, ready to pull out of your back pocket, guys.  Because I am here to help.

She says: “I just want to be friends.”

I say you should say: “Whew! Me too!  Hey man I really need to borrow a few bucks because there was this girl I thought I was taking out but I guess I wasn’t and she had insanely expensive tastes and I am so broke.  Can you help me out man?  I’ll get you back.”

She Says: “I think of you like a brother.”

I say you say: “Then don’t touch my stuff!!!  And don’t even think of telling mom you crybaby!”
Then give her a “purple nurple” and an indian burn, put her in a headlock and noogie her while yelling at her to stop hitting herself

She Says: “You’re a great guy.  I hope you find somebody who likes you for you.”

I say you say: “You know you’re right.  Why was I wasting my time with you?!  Good grief of course I can do better!  You’ve got that cousin of yours number right?  Mind if I get that?”

She Says: “I just don’t think that I am ready right now for a relationship.”

I say you should say: “Your probably right.  But don’t worry!  This kind of embarrassing thing won’t happen again because I am going to tell every man I meet that you are not ready for a relationship right now!  HEY GUYS!!! THIS WOMAN IS NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP!!!  AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN A CASUAL DINNER WHICH IS ALL I WANTED!!!  SO STAY AWAY!  SHE’S NOT UP TO IT RIGHT NOW!”

She Says: “You’re a jerk!”

I say you should say: “That wasn’t a ‘No!’”

And Conscience Assuaged.

-Bob

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