If I had Bill Gates Money, this house would be so haunted!
There has always been one great dream I have had. My father had it, as did his father, and his father before. For we have all wanted to build a car that could fly in the air and dive in the sea, cross the great heavens at the speed of sound! A car driven by puppets! A Supercar!
But that is just crazy. I mean the advances in marionette technology are just not there yet to allow for string controlled puppets to pilot a car in both the ether that surrounds us and the depths that surrounds us. Why everyone in the car would need a monkey sidekick with them to provide the spunk and comedic relief necessary to keep a marionette piloted flying car in from looking ridiculous.
So that ain’t gonna happen. But another dream that I and my father shared could be achieved with the wealth of Bill Gates: the dream of living in a Haunted House!
This seems like something simple enough to achieve doesn’t it? Bonafide haunted houses can’t have a ton potential buyers, so why shouldn’t they be easy for a person on a modest salary be able to get a hold of one? Well first of all because there enough people who want to own a haunted house that the prices could still be competitive. Now I could get around that by going lower end, but unless I am really lucky I am going to get a crummy looking, run-down, ghost-from-a-brutal-domestic-violence-slaying haunted shotgun shack, and not the oak panelled, granite pillared, ghost-of-an-ancient-noble-family-scion-who-died-under-bizarre-circumstances-involving-a-peasant-gypsy-girl haunted mansion that I want. Plus on top of it all, I am almost certain to actually be haunted by a soul damned to wander the Earth until the Day of Judgement. And that would be very unpleasant indeed.
So I need to build a haunted house, that isn’t exactly haunted.
The wealth of Bill Gates would allow me to do this. First I would build the house, complete with a series of hidden passageways running through out the house that only I and the builders would know about. Once the house was complete, so that only I would know of the passages, I would have to “dispose” of those workers.
It is a gruesome business indeed. But it is these details that must be taken into account to build a great haunted house. And so those workers, once so loyal to me, would be sent on a trip to Detroit. For a vacation. No one would then believe anything they had to say. For who could believe the tales of men who had gone to Detroit, for fun?
Secondly I would have to marry. Any bit of arm candy would do. But preferably one prepared to look beautiful and distraught constantly. The kind whose eyes are actually more beautiful after a good long cry. Also one with a hardy constitution. And a willingness to endure the strangest kind of lifestyle, while keeping her mouth shut.
Then I should buy some shabby clothes. The kind a rich man who is distraught would wear everyday as he shuffles down the terrifying corridors of his hell-house mansion.
Fourthly, I would hire scientists to artificially grow five identical children for my wife and I, to be implanted and delivered by her, in a hospital I shall control. The other children would be spirited away. At birth, it shall be declared that only one child was born. All medical personnel shall be sent to Detroit.
Finally at the age of four I would fake the tragic “death” of my “only” child. The mourning will be great. And painfully incomplete due to a series of terrible omens and the child’s “funeral”. Everyone will be unable to forget, no matter how they try, the outfit the child wore in the picture placed above the grave, .
Soon after the funeral I wil invite friends and associates to my palatial yet eerily empty estate to eat with me, and comfort me in the "loss" of my "only" child.
At which point the ghostly figure of a pale child, the very image of the portrait above the grave, shall appear in the midst of our gathering of mourners. And even as everyone looks ot where the child was, he shall disappear, appearing instantly at the other end of the room. Then above In the stairwell! Oh how terrified we will all be! To run for the door only to see the child standing in the yard! “AIEEEEEE!!!!” everyone will scream, even as the terror causes them to pass out.
Repeat ten more times and Voila! I will have my haunted house. And my five genetically engineered children will learn the joy of ordering their lives around freaking innocent people out.
And wouldn’t that be great!
-Bob
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
How will you keep the children from growing older?
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Drugs. Lots and lots of sweet, sweet drugs.