I have decided that naming stuff has to be one of the hardest (or at least most bothersome) things people have to do.  Most people have to name something pretty darn important, like a band or a boat or maybe a little human, at least every few years.  This wouldn’t be that bad and could be kind of fun if so much did not depend on naming amateurs getting the name exactly right.   If they do come up with a good name then their boat might be thought to not be owned by a jerk or their band might actually make it or their child might become a titan of industry and an overall success.  If they do not come up with the right name then their boat will surely become nothing more than a floating monument to social climbing, the band will never get any buzz because no one will want to say the name of a bunch of poseurs and their child will suffer endless taunting from his peers and sidelong views from adults who think that they are the perpetually stoned offspring of even more wasted hippies.
And yet we are routinely called upon to find an abstract series of sounds that not only recalls certain abstract ideas to mind by fitting the pattern of sounds we already associate with other abstract ideas and so emotionally resonates with the listener but also, in many cases, has not already been taken.
Maybe things weren’t so hard for Adam when he first had to title all the critters out there if only because he didn’t have to compete with anyone, but I doubt it. If anything I’ll bet our poor progenitor did what so many people do when they have a task they cannot see the end of and just went with whatever came to him next that sounded different. I am pretty sure this is how Lenny Kravitz was named.
That is probably the reason why so many people name their kids exactly the same name as everyone else having a baby that year. They all think they are being clever but really they are just at the exact same place in the search for a “different” name as everyone else when they get tired of looking. Same for bands. This is why there are currently fifty million twenty-something Jasons, Christophers, and Kevins walking around today and probably at least fifty christian bands named Testimonious or some such nonsense.
So to help everyone out I have compiled a partial list of names for any and all naming occasions. Whether you need to christen a boat or a child, name a band or town, title a screenplay or novel, market position a new product or business, or even create a credible pseudonym for yourself in order to publish your anti-government rants anonymously, this list should serve your needs. I have added in the parenthesis the most likely uses of these names, but do not think that those uses are binding.

Jove (Child, Pet, Deity)
I Know Superman (Novel, Song, Band, Horse, Casino)
His Orangey Fate (Child, Band, Nation, or Junior High Hazing)
The Flurvian Sea (Desert, Dessert)
The Precotions (Band, Family, Cartoon Series About Heroic Robots, Legislative Body)
Noteripitous (Child, County, Ecumenical See, International Award)
Gary (Royal Household)
Fligningham (Computer Software, Pretentious Sub-Development, )
les Petit Plaisires (Den Of Vice Found In Nevada, Song, a Christian Single Parent’s Ministry)
Fortanbraugh (Child, Family, Clan, Cheap Paperback Novel Written by Failed English Major)
The H Archonion 2000 Series d.s.7 (Fraternity, Ink Cartridge Prototype, Soft Drink)
Ammmmmmmarnad (Fantasy Character, Child of Trendy Parents, CIA Code Name)
Vramsl (Car, Castle, Coffee, Colonic)
Hoagy (Great American Songwriter, Sandwich, Doorstops)
Koronautious (World Boss, Canoe)

Boy! Even getting those fifteen practically proved my point! This is hard stuff. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you all give it a shot.
I’m just going to go grab a The H Archonion 2000 Series d.s.7 to quench my thirst and I’ll see about adding some more after wards.

-Bob

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