The Lighter Side of Living Over Hell’s Chimney
Friday, August 14th, 2009I don’t have Air Conditioning.
If you don’t understand that nothing else you read here will make sense.
Just know that, right off the bat, I don’t have Air Conditioning.
I know, I know, you aren’t supposed to capitalize Air Conditioning, but only people WITH Air conditioning would fail to recognize that Air Conditioning is so basic for human survival and even our humanity that it should be given equal status with the other great Virtues (such as Courage, Hope, and Love) and should so be given a capital letter to recognize that it, like all great concepts Man aspires to, is a Proper Noun.
So just remember: 1.) Air Conditioning is a Proper Noun and 2.) I am without it. Therefore,
St. George and the Dragon it is hot!!!
I can’t keep any of my shirts dry. It is like a wet black t-shirt contest everywhere I go! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Did you know that the tops of your shoulders sweat?! I didn’t know the tops of my shoulders could sweat! No body ever worries about sweat stains on the tops of their shoulders! So I didn’t know. Not until every last bit of Air Conditioning went out! Now I know that they can sweat literal gallons of sweat water out of a human body every hour. Now I know that to properly prepare for a summer day without that divine gift of Prometheous, Air Conditioning, one must always coat one’s entire body with antiperspirant if one is not to destroy everything one owns with sweat!
I don’t mind sweat! At least not when there is a reason to be sweating, like running or fighting or eating Thai food. But not when I am sitting drinking pint after pint of delicious lemonade, for the love of Mike already. The little beads of sweat feel like bugs! Little wet bugs crawling down my skin.
I am trying to look on the, oh dear heaven it is so hot, on the bright side though. Man this heat is getting to me. I want to look on the bright side of something. Is that a sign of heat stroke?
But on the bright side, nice thing about the heat is, I can justify my rage and outbursts a lot easier. Murders always spike with the heat. Because heat is from Hell and the Devil and the Devil makes people angry cause it is so miserably hot! So hot. It makes sense now why people went and fought wars in the summer. Killing someone would be a great way to satisfy this terrible heat demon. So I can be angrier and angrier the stuff that gets me angry and no one can blame me because it is hot. If only I had the energy to be angry about something…
And I’ve been sleeping more and that is good. It is too hot to move during most of the day. Plus I just can’t move hardly. Just no strength. Sleep is good. And I can be awake in the cool hours between 2AM and 5AM.
The girls have strength though. Plenty of strength to walk around in short shorts and tank tops. Its like they’re invincible. Its not fair. Why can’t they dress like this when I have the energy to do something about it? Like in January. But they do dress nice now. And that is nice. If only these flies would stay out of my eyes and let me see.
-Bob
