I got pulled over!  That is why this is so late! I got pulled over and it wasn’t even my fault! Cop tried to come up with something but he couldn’t even when he could have but really he couldn’t because I didn’t do anything!
This is just another case of happening to fit a profile from a distance but not really fitting that profile closer up but really fitting that profile deep down inside, a phenomenon I like to call “Driving While Black, Well, Really, Kinda Black, On The Inside.”
See here is what happened. I was driving through town, as is my wont, and I was passing one particular gas station that I really like because they have the Mt. Dew tallboys there. But I was not allowed to make the left turn into the gas station because of the stupid concrete median. So I made a left turn at the intersection and then, because of another concrete median, I drove down the street, past the No U-Turn sign, to a parking lot I could turn around in so I could get that sweet, sweet Dew that I was jonesing for so bad. Now nobody is on the street, what I can see, so I turn out to the right out of this tiny little exit that you easily could go over the curb on in less you swing out into the right lane a BIT. Not a LOT but a BIT! So I does that and head back up the road to the gas station of the tallboys. Next thing you know this cop is behind lights flashing as I pull into the tallboy station.
Then this jerk gets out asks me why I am driving erratically! ME! Drive Erratically?!!!!! It is too laugh! Every move I make in that car is for a purpose, REGARDLESS of what Eric says!
So I give him my license, he asks about my insurance, I can’t find my insurance, he says to stay in my car while he runs my license. Well anyways he comes back, DOESN’T EVEN SAY TO NOT DO IT AGAIN, and says I can leave! I hadn’t even found my insurance! He could have written a ticket for that before I found it!
So what does all of this mean?
Simple.
This officer pulled me over for driving while black… well, really, kinda black on the inside.
I know that is a pretty serious charge but lets think about it. He clearly did not pull me over for any real moving violations, because otherwise I would have been ticketed so he must have seen something that made him suspicious.
Now the only thing could have made him suspicious of me is if he had some kind of psychic abilities and was able to psychically discern certain falsely stereotypically “black” aspects of my person. Stuff like that I like soul music and love the blues. Or that I most white people church music with all of its whiny-ness and would rather have a choir, bass, drums, and organ than a dude with an acoustic guitar doing music for my church. Or that I have never had the desire to put clothes on a dog. That I only drive on tires someone else has already owned and always feel oppressed by “the Man” and don’t mind it if a girl has a booty. It would be the only way for him to know, as I am sure he did, that I grew up on Kool-aid, watermelon, fried chicken, and the belief that Martin Luther King Jr was the greatest man of the Twentieth century. He therefore must have, in racist and stereotyping fashion, erroneously concluded from his ESP that I was black and needed to have the fear of God put into me.
Luckily no one has ever put the fear of God into me except for God and that even took some doing. Now I am just back to thinking that the Irish had it right and that the cops ain’t nobodies friend and that every cop is out to get me. For a while.
Either way the officer had to be a bit racist because as soon as he saw I was not black and was stopping for a soda he backed off. If he was checking to see if I dealt drugs my skin color wouldn’t have mattered and he would have done what he could have to find out more.
I should be used to it by now because I get pulled over for the somewhat stereotypically African-American psychic vibrations I send out every year or so, but it does still bother me. All this is to say that the fact is that we need to stop our psychic police officers from relying solely on their extra sensory perceptions alone when deciding to harass citizens.
I mean there was no other possible reason that a man in a ghetto car with dark tinted windows could possible be pulled over! Right?

-Bob

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