How I Could Replace The Dog Pound
There is a pack of dogs that are running wild in my neighborhood. They howl. They bark. They howl and bark so much other dogs howl and bark back. They use the bathroom all over the grass. Freaking dogs! I just want to be rid of them! Good grief I live in the city. And it isn’t the Nineteenth century. We aren’t supposed to have this problem here. What is this? This is a problem country folks have and then fix by getting more dogs. But we live in the city where apparently stupid creatures are allowed to annoy and bother people because we can’t jut shoot the things with pellet guns. MAN! They 
make me want to be Mowgli.
If I could just be a Mowgli to theses annoying mutts I bet I could use their native love and affection for a member of their pack and their fear of me as a human to convince them to take on a real Shere Khan of a truck in a straight up fight and be done with the critters. But to do that I’d have to be a minor. I don’t know why only minors seem to be accepted into packs of animals. Maybe it has something to do with their smell or lack of immunizations or maybe it is just that animals are so stupid that the cooing and babbling of a child makes sense to the animals. Anyway you cut it you got to be not my age to be accepted into animal society as one of their own and I think that I want that.
It is only on the rarest of occasions that I miss being a minor. Not a child, a minor. I have never been a child, just a minor. A child is an immature and undeveloped and helpless and I have never been any of those things whereas a minor is just someone whom the law does not recognize as being able to have complete stewardship of themselves and that is happening to me all of the time. But when I think of the great fun that could be had of leading my faithful, idiotic, doggy crew into certain death again and again I would be willing to undergo the stupid rigors of minor-dom for that fun.
I can see it now.
Instead of that one yellow mangy mutt just running mindlessly up and down the street and everyone wondering when he is going to get hit by s truck I’d use my super Mowgli the wolf boy powers and order my new pal “Speedy” to zip across a busy highway and fetch us some steaks and make sure it happens. Of course the whole pack would have to watch it happen for it to be really hilarious and effective, especially once I send out the rest of the pack into the highway to fetch our wounded buddy. And then WHAM! BANG! No more howling all night and no more gifts left by my car! I’d just use their trust and friendship to convince them all to do something terrible to themselves and then I’d be free of them!
Holy mackerel.
I sound like a doggy devil. I sound like a wild urban dog pack Satan. I’d just use my ability to manipulate and lead these animals to their destruction for my own evil purposes. If I became a Mowgli to these critters I would also become the living embodiment of evil to something that lives on God’s good Earth. That is just terrible. And if I think it is bad then I’ll bet those people who think animals are more than just animals and pose naked for PETA ads or give their “furry family members” Christmas gifts would have me tried by the Hague for crimes against Nature. Hmmmm………
What is not terrible is if I say I became the beloved boy leader of a band of wolf-like dogs and led them to the doggy paradise that was theirs by doggy birthright. Then I’d be a Mowgli Messiah! An apocalyptic Mowgli Messiah but one nonetheless!
I could be proud of that. But only as long as I don’t step in dog doo anymore.
-Bob
December 21st, 2009 at 9:05 am
I think you have the beginnings of a classic work of literature.