I missed Creed tonight. I hate to miss Creed. Creed may well be the greatest cultural institution of the last score of years. I believe that, just as we once spoke of the Gilded Age or the Jacksonian Era, one day we will look back and call this the Age of Creed. The things Creed teaches us as nation each and every week that he is allowed on his television program “the Office” are both revolutionary and profound. I do not know why Creed needs four chairs or what he plans to do with them when the time comes, to be honest I doubt even someone of my amazing intelligence can fathom the multifaceted machinations Creed has in store for those four pieces of furniture, but I know I want to see that episode where he finally gets all four chairs. And you better bet your sweet bippy that when he does it will change everything! The only thing that might throw a kink into the works is the concurrent and coincidental existence of that horrible band of the same name.
Still I missed tonight’s Creed. I only did it as a favor to the internet community at large and the blogging community in particular to make a specially requested personal appearance at a gathering of bloggers. True, I was not personally requested to come by anyone in particular, but I had to appear personally and that e-vite was pretty freakin’ special. Had a puppy on it and everything.
I did not go expecting much. Most bloggers are convinced they are both unique and capable of making a difference in the world around them, which is of course patently idiotic because they are clearly not Creed. They are usually mildly tech savvy, semi-geeky individuals who are blogging as a “release” from the “stress” of their “lives”. Which is all nonsense. Real writers don’t write to relieve stress! Writing is the most stressful thing in the world to a real writer! We don’t do it because we like too! We do it for the money and because everyone else sucks at it. Do you realize how stressful that is?! Why else does every writer’s group meet with either a wet bar or an bunch of AA sponsors?!
Generally though I do respect bloggers for choosing a pastime that requires neither discipline nor pants to participate in. I believe this is the foundation to any successful pastime and the reason soccer will never take off in the hearts of Americans. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, this particular congress of blogospherians totally failed to be lacking either discipline or proper trousers. I showed up, as is my wont and as is normal for all aspiring writers, a good thirty to forty minutes late. (Avoiding landlords and creditors makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere on time, especially when you have to keep popping in to your favorite watering hole so you can, you know, keep your ear to the ground so to speak.) And rather than seeing shabbily dressed colleagues, their pockets full of loose tobacco, their hair a mess, their shoes scuffed beyond recognition, a warm mug of coffee and a little “sumin sumin” in their hands, ambling on in alongside me I saw clean and kept middle class types who had clearly finished the main business of the evening. All of their snazzy looking cards were handed out, they were all sitting around in quiet little coteries not saying a freakin’ word, and not a one of them had had to reach into their shoe to move the newspaper back over the hole in the sole! Needless to say I was at a loss.
I tried making friends but pretty quickly the subject of the stupidest show on television (aka “Lost”) came up. There was no one who was not so dogmatic in their support for the show that they would be willing to debate the true merits of my plan of just shooting the lead characters so that everyone else would not be killed by there stupidity. That was evident when everyone just turned back to their flavorless iced teas after I gave my proposal.
I figured I’d be asked to speak but for some reason the mic was never offered to me which was just as well. I’d missed Creed. No one could see that any drama that requires 5 seasons before it makes sense has to be bad. The business cards were no replacement for my shoe’s newspaper. A mic at that moment would have been less than pleasant for everyone else.
Anyways, I had a deadline to miss.

-Bob

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Tags: Blog, blogging, Creed, long long blogs, Lost, stuff bob hates, the office, web stuff, writing

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