So today it is time yet again for some random musings.  YEAY!  Why today of all days am I writing a random musings blog, you may ask?  I don’t know.  Because the Ancient Mayans predicted it on their frighteningly accurate calenders.  Seriously.  That is the reason.  Think about it.

- I don’t really know what it means when people say that some color is the new black.  That doesn’t make sense.  But I would understand if people said that purple was the new orange.

-I wish that scientists would defy God and nature and play god to genetically engineer a banana that tasted like a kiwi.  That would be awesome.  It could have a Frankenstein’s monster with a kiwi on its head instead of the Chiquita banana lady.

-My favorite old time Hanna-Barbara Cartoon character when I was growing up was not Top Cat or Space Ghost.  It was Ranger Smith.  Man did he love to disapprove of Yogi’s antics.  But I don’t think he really disapproved of picnic basket stealing.  I think he actually thought that Yogi’s thievery was terribly fun.  Otherwise he would have shot Yogi.  In the middle of Yogi’s every three episode hibernation.  And not with a tranquilizer.  Dead.  Shot him dead in his sleep.  Cause that is what rangers do, kids.  They tell you in school that park rangers help the animals and commune with nature but that is just a lie that the man and your parents tell you.  No they shoot sleeping woodland animals.  

Why else was the murderer of Bambi’s mom never caught?  Because a ranger shot her.  Think about it. 

-Bambi was a boy deer.  So why are so many ladies of ill repute and ditzes nicknamed Bambi?  I know I am not the first person to ask this but I want an answer!

-Nintendo is a fun word to say.  Say it now.  If you do I’ll give you a hundred extra points.

-Good job.

-I get really fustrated with online radio, especially Pandora.com.  When type in that I want to hear stuff like Motörhead that means I want to hear stuff like Motörhead, hard punk-fast heavy metal with the most grinding vocals imaginable, not Judas Priest! And when I say I want to hear stuff like the Dubliners I want to hear old fashioned real Irish folk music sung by a hard drinking alcoholic, not some soft namby-pamby Sixties protest song.  Got it?!

-So I think we need to run more contests here on Boodachitaville.com.  It would be really fun I think to give people prizes for saying “Nintendo” or telling who their favorite Hanna-Barbara cartoon character is or creating a viable answer for why I can’t hear the music I want to hear on internet radio or why Bambi is a girls name, even if it as No-Prize.  It would be even more fun if we could send out Boodachitaville t-shirts from our store for the best fan art or story.  But I haven’t told Eric yet.  I wanted your opinion first.  So don’t let him know.  Or anyone else.  It’ll be our secret. shh…. Say nothing.  Words would only ruin this moment.

-Bob

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Isn’t it great being human?  I love it.  Look at us, we should all be so dead from exposure to the elements, being turned into snacks by actual animals, and poisoning what has to be the second most pathetic digestive system in the world.  (Award for most pathetic digestive system going to the Giant Panda, whose ridiculously restrictive diet of pretty much only bamboo shoots is an inspiration to every college guy who has found himself eating frozen pizza four time a day three weeks in a row.) 

But instead of dying everyday, like we as an entire species would if thrown to “Mother Nature’s” “mercies”, we rule this Earth.  All creatures are subject to our iron-fisted rule!  In fact our domination for this world is so complete in most eyes that many people are worried about what we are doing to the world.  We are constantly warned that our carelessness could destroy the entire planet.  If I had a nickel for every time I have been told that a failure to recycle was going to damn this rock to a hellish dystopian future I’d be rich enough to burn the whole rain forest down.  And while that would be oodles of fun to do, I think that there are even more fun ways to show the Earth just who is walk around on top and who is getting walked around on.

We could remind dear old Gaea to mind her place and keep her filthy vermin out of our fair cities would be to domesticate every animal species we could find.  We’ve done it already with dogs, cats, horses, pigs, llamas, cows, chickens, turkeys, sheep, goats, alpacas, camels, and even have kind of domesticated reindeer, elephants, and jackals.  If we really tried we could domesticate most any other animal.  Given enough time and money we could breed them to all kinds of sizes and dispositions, perfect to most any job we humans give the brutes.  How great would it be to finally have a decent helper monkey in every home?  Or to have hunting tigers to fetch deer that have been shot, just like a dog fetches ducks?  How about a trained guard rattle snake that was twelve inches around in diameter?  That’d show any would be burglars.  And think of how delicious some fresh tender Texas raised baboon would taste on the family table.  Mmmm-mm-mmmm!  I can taste it now.

I gotta be honest, half of the reason I love to eat is just to know that somebody put a cow or a pig or a chicken or all three to good use.  Nothing is sadder than seeing a good young beef walking around in perfectly good shape, knowing all of that delicious marbled meat is just going to waste.  Especially because they just get this gleam in their eye that says “Yeah I know I’m supposed to be satisfying your hunger as a delicious rib-eye.  But I’m taking a day off.  What are you gonna do about it?”  I will not tolerate such insolence!  Your job, Mr. Cow, is not to be looking at me!  It is to be feeding me.  That is your job and if you are not doing it you are being wasteful!  And the only thing I hate worse than insolence is insolent wastefulness!

Not only would putting some of these no good lazy animals to work in our homes and on our tables remind all Nature who is in charge but I am certain that eventually some of us (read: women) would even begin to degrade all of our animals by breeding them to be, ugh, “cute.” 

Just look at this horror!  This was once a wolf.  It’s ancestor was a terrifying vicious timber-wolf that brought down musk oxen and then fended off the last saber-tooth tigers to defend its kill in a long lost frozen taiga.  And look at what we have done to it.  If there is a Wolf God out there this… “thing” will never be accepted into the Heavenly Pack.  Tragic.  Even before someone dressed it up.

This poor chap to our left is a direct descendant of the wolf-dog that killed the last Colombian Mammoth.  Crippled for life, that dog gave his all holding onto the Mammoth’s trunk, so that his masters could feast one last time before moving to new hunting grounds.  His descendant, the dog to our left, is currently trying to swallow his own tongue in a vane attempt to end his own cloudy, unthinking, beastly life.  We did this to him.  And it is certain that the unending torture we have inflicted on dogs and cats alike, and even some farm animals, will be extended to all other creatures we shall domesticate.  We will make them tiny, yippy, annoying, and pathetic.  The purebreeds available in any pet store for children to taunt and coo at, but ultimately as disposable to those children as any toy.

And that’ll really show Nature. 

Plus I’d love to have a grizzly bear I can put in my backpack.    

PS As always feel free to comment here or on our brand new Forums!

-Bob

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We have to find a use for vermin!
Seriously. We have to find a use for vermin! I am sick of them, Sick of every last one of them. And I have killed so many of them I do not know how many more I can kill. I have crushed the skulls and snapped the necks of every one of them I can get my hands on! And any of them I couldn’t get a hold of I have poisoned or trapped and starved to death! And I mean all of them! All of them, the rats, mice, roaches, snakes, wombats, squirrels, raccoons, opossums, and every other stinking animal pestilence that has ever been sent to carry disease into our homes. The stupid little vermin!
They try to get into my house all of the freaking time and I can’t stand it any longer. I am going to bait and lay so many freaking traps that there isn’t going to be a roach that doesn’t set off a rat trap! Unless I can find a way to start making these monsters do my bidding or at least find a use for them.
And it isn’t like they can help it. Stupid little, disgusting, parasitical, parasite ridden, property destroying monsters… They just want to nest in my walls for protection from the elements and feed off of my food, which is basically what I am doing myself. And if they are basically doing what I do in one respect, why can’t they do what I do in other respects, like be forced to turn a profit?
See so much of the problem is that killing these buggers just seems like such a waste. I mean, why kill something and dispose of its carcass when I could enslave it and use it‘s energies for my own profit? So much waste. And wherever there is waste there can be profit. If only I could find a use for the vermin why I could be rich.
But this isn’t just about money (although that SHOULD be good enough for anyone.) This is about reminding Mother Nature yet again who is in charge here! Here we have billions of organisms that we have been in contact with since creation and the best thing we have been able to conceive of doing with these foul things is to destroy them. What kind of masters and rulers over nature would we be if we could not bend every piece of our dominion to our will? And isn’t that what science is supposed to be used for, bending nature to our will?!
That’s it. We can find a use for vermin. NO!!! We MUST find a use for vermin! And not just as science experiments or the basis for cartoon characters anymore! Real, day-in-day-out, profitable, marketable, easily understood by a mass audience uses. Do you here me Science! We need our best minds on this today so I can claim royalties from the idea tomorrow!
Flibberdeegibbets! I’ll bet that all of the best Scientists are reading this now and are going to come up with all sorts of uses for vermin and take all of the credit for their hard work and my idea.
So lets see here…
Uses for vermin…
Uses…
Uses…
DANGABIT!! Se me next week!

-Bob

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