It may seem an odd thing to say but, dagnabit all, communicating with people on this thing is tough. Before you go shooting your mouth off with your “Well yeah Bob. Don’t be a retard,” let me explain that I am not a special needs person and that I bet you all ready proved me right, cause I bet you didn’t know that I was doing my arms in a windmill right now, did you?
See what I mean?
Let me explain: When you stand and talk with someone you have a huge variety of communication tools at your disposal that you have no where else. You got inflection in your voice, you got your body language and your facial expressions, you got subtle changes in your voice’s volume and its focus, you even have the ability to write if you really want to and you definitely have the oft forgotten in main conversation though often used for lying ability to compose complexly on the fly. The only communicating ability you don’t have is, probably, film editing, and I’ll bet someone somewhere can do that as they talk.
But on here we get none of those things. Sure we get the permanence of having written something down, but as already said, we always have that option if we need it. And sure, supposedly, we can spend more time here carefully composing our writing so that it cannot be misunderstood, but that is a crock. As most anyone who has read anything of immense importance to humanity can attest, some of the most carefully constructed works of literary art are the hardest to understand and, I would say, are constantly being misunderstood most often by people who are paid to understand them.
If people are still thinking that Othello is a heartless monster after all of the pains Shakespeare went to to make it clear that Othello was not a monster even though he acts monstrously, and that even after people have carefully read a play they expect to think about, then what hope have I got for a blog that most people aren’t going to engage with any deeper than they will engage with an email? Not much I can guarantee. I have even shorter hope of being able for you to see the context from which I am freaking talking from! Cause dang it my windmills may be over but you had no idea I was stretching my neck out now.
I am even worse off because I can’t watch your face to see if maybe you understand me. NHow then am I supposed to effectively communicate through this?
Sure I could go in for dense construction, tight form, and exact wordsmithery, which I often do, but if none of you readers are expecting that kind o’ mess from a, garrrrr!!!!, “fun little blog” than forget about it.
The only way then to avoid misunderstanding in this kind of communication, and this kind ain’t exactly writing, is to use what we already done invented, emoticons and shorthand descriptions for what we are doing.
Now I contend that our current smileys and “lol”s are not sufficient to communicate all we need to say about how we feel emotionally and what we are doing as we communicate in this medium, and I intend to set forth a few new ideas I hope kind of catch on and that I may or may not use to get people to freaking grab hold of what the devil I am talking about but right now I am feeling loose and relaxed and I am going to not be able to type in a minute. Maybe next week I can show you what I mean.

-Bob

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NOW!
As I was saying last week, before the limitations of time and space so rudely interrupted me, contrary to popular belief writing is a very difficult medium in which to exactly communicate what is on your mind. Maybe not so hard to communicate what you have carefully and painstakingly crafted and honed into finely balanced literary work when taken seriously and given ample attention by a careful an interested audience, but, come on! How often does that happen for writer or reader? Especially of anything written on the internet?
It doesn’t! No! The internet is not used for careful reading! And certainly not for careful writing.
If anything internet writing is almost like a transcript of a persons thoughts, with all of the background noise, ill-defined context, and vague meanings that go along with the standard loosely constructed, shoot from the hip, internet style of writing.
That is why we have invented the Emoticon!
For you see in the slipshod world of quick internet writing a fellow can either continue to try to refine and rewrite his sentences, seeking to use a more accurate vocabulary and carefully delineated clauses and subclauses, in order to get the reader to feel the same consuming emotions that he, the writer, feels on the subject, or he can use a >:( . See. An angry face. That means the author is angry.
Likewise a writer can go plunging into his thesaurus to find enough synonyms to describe the outpouring of emotion he felt during his experience with what someone else wrote or he can write the acronym LOL. This means the reader/writer feels bad that what he read isn’t actually funny.
And which of these ways is easier?! Why the shortcut of the emoticon and the acronym of course, you stupid hillbilly! (Or O.C.Y.S.H! in acronymese.)
But there is, unfortunately a grievous lack actually useful acronyms and emoticons for us on the internet. Sure we have TTYL, and , but what we need is relevant internet shorthand. So I propose that we add the following letters and symbols to our vocabulary.

1.) WWIS? -What Was I Saying? Used when the writer loses his train of thought.
2.) GRRRRRR- I am angry. Used when the writer gets angry.
3.) ):DC – The backwards facing visage of a frowning samurai in full battle armor smiley. Used by the writer to display his disgust at the concept of cowardice.
4.) (ASIBIA)- All Said In Bad Italian Accent. Used when the Writer needs to clarify that his apparent misspellings and numerous references to la cosa nostra were part of a poorly thought out attempt to imitate the stereotypical Italian-American
5.) CQIMB- Chuckling Quietly Into My Beard. Used when the writer wishes to express that something has amused them enough chuckle quietly and that they have a beard.
6.) :Q – The so sleepy a little bit of drool came out of my mouth smiley. Used by the writer to indicate that he my need a wetnap to clean the corners of his mouth.
7.) OCOWHSNTNCTMF!- Oh Come On, Who Hasn’t Seen The Nineteen Thirty Nine Classic The Maltese Falcon! Used when the writer wants to express shock and horror at his audiences lack of exposure to classic cinema.
8.) =:)> – The Satyr Smiley. Used when the writer wishes to express in an innocent way to his readers that he currently feels like he would enjoy being a part goat man while romping through the fields and woods of ancient Greece while playing the flute, drinking large amounts of wine, and cavorting promiscuously with woodland nymphs.
9.) ICFTRKA- I Can’t Find The R Key Again. Used by a writer to explain why he no longer is using the letter “R” in any of his writing.
10.) b..d -The Muscular Smiley, the b and d are supposed to look like flexing arms beside a tiny head. Used by the writer to indicate that he is busy working out while he writes. (See last weeks blog.)
11.) TSCW- Too Sleepy Can’t Write. Use by lazy writers who won’t suck it up and finish what they thought was important enough to start, but was obviously not important enough to finish.

-Bob

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In case you hadn’t noticed my general opinion about showing compassion for people or things is that I don’t. And if you do you are a racist. There, I said it. Compassion is for racists.
Not that racism is compassion, cause that would just be nuts and deny what racism actually is. Rather I am saying that to be compassionate is to be racist.
Who else but a bigot would pour out their emotions and let themselves feel bad for someone who feels bad? I mean it is an empty gesture anyways! It isn’t like your feeling bad for someone else feeling bad is gonna fix anything. So number One it is illogical to show compassion. And what else is illogical? Answer: Racism.
Number Two: If you feel compassion for one person or thing that is in trouble I’ll bet a month of monkeys that you don’t feel equal amounts of compassion for other people and things that are in pain or in trouble! And what is that? Answer: Discrimination.
So if you are feeling compassion right now you are a racist. There I said it.
But here is the third thing that proves compassion is a form of racism: Everyone has a little bit of it inside of them. It is true. Everyone is a racist. Everyone illogically pours out their emotional strength in a futile gesture for one suffering person or thing over another equally or more deserving suffering person or thing. Even Barack Obama. (Dude, my spell check thinks I misspelled “Barack Obama”! How racist is that!? Gotta stop using Windows 95.) Even the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Even the Dalai Lama. Even Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Even me.
I personally am racist towards local models/actresses who appear in locally produced advertisements. I pity them more than most other creatures on this Earth. Who on Earth is more pathetic than the poor pretty niece of a local car dealer or girlfriend of a pool hall owner? Maybe she is cajoled into doing the commercial by loving and proud family members or maybe she willingly sought out here thirty seconds of fame by going to a regional talent agency. It doesn’t matter. Either way she is about to be just another reminder to everyone in the tri-county area that she and the product she is peddling will always be a provincial second rater.
Now it isn’t that she isn’t pretty! No. You can tell from the second you see her advertisement that she is pretty enough in THE REAL WORLD, but this is television! And all of that natural prettiness and personal kindness that everyone who knows her knows and cares about will disappear she will be going head to head with a perfectly packaged, professionally produced mini-masterpieces that national commercial campaigns produce.
There is no way that a pretty dress out of a closet is going to not be beaten by something from a professional wardrobe! Especially not when the professional wardrobe lady is working alongside a trained hair and makeup team so that a professional lighting director and tens of thousands of dollars worth of equipment can capture a perfect three seconds of digital footage! All our local spokes-girl has is a windy parking lot blowing her hair and knocking her mike off her lapel while her brother tries to get the shot on VHS before the sun moves. Why she may not even realize that if she is going to play the sexy angle she actually has to play the sexy angle by putting on the tiny skirts and slinky dresses that will horrify all five generations of her onlooking family. While the national advertisers will simply overdub their actresses voice with the smooth tones of a much more pleasing older woman our little star has to shot at the shot gun mike over the sound of the highway while trying to speak for the first time ever in a non-regional accent and overcome the natural camera shyness that overtakes nearly everyone.
All of this disparity and we, the viewers, will still automatically compare her afternoon of work in front to the coiffed, primped, and surgically improved babe with no speaking lines.
Is it any wonder that local commercial girls rarely make a second appearance? Course then again the perfect, lustrous, mute babes on the national commercials never appear more than once. I mean I guess that makes sense. I suppose they only have like five or six months tops of peak beauty due to a perfect storm of youth, intense diet and exercise, lack of long term stress, and well timed cosmetic surgery before they start to wear down a tiny bit and are handily discarded like a single slice American cheese wrapper.
At least the local girls are still loved by their boat and tanning booth selling relatives. And if they get dumped by their chicken wing selling boyfriend after failing to be as great on TV as he expected they can just chalk it up to him being a jerk and not to them being trashy enough to get fooled by a jerk. What does a 23 year old former model/actress babe have to look forward to? She is too pretty to be accepted as a mainstream actress. Her enhanced physique and small belly will mean she can neither sell products to women nor have a speaking role in anything more highbrow than Married… with Children. And all of the local commercials are taken up by less talented and connected nieces and granddaughters of local merchants.
Man this almost makes me feel some compassion for the national models/actresses. But no. Racism has to end somewhere.

-Bob

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