Boodachitaville » grade A

How much is that cubby in the window?

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Isn’t it great being human? I love it. Look at us, we should all be so dead from exposure to the elements, being turned into snacks by actual animals, and poisoning what has to be the second most pathetic digestive system in the world. (Award for most pathetic digestive system going to the Giant Panda, whose ridiculously restrictive diet of pretty much only bamboo shoots is an inspiration to every college guy who has found himself eating frozen pizza four time a day three weeks in a row.)

But instead of dying everyday, like we as an entire species would if thrown to “Mother Nature’s” “mercies”, we rule this Earth. All creatures are subject to our iron-fisted rule! In fact our domination for this world is so complete in most eyes that many people are worried about what we are doing to the world. We are constantly warned that our carelessness could destroy the entire planet. If I had a nickel for every time I have been told that a failure to recycle was going to damn this rock to a hellish dystopian future I’d be rich enough to burn the whole rain forest down. And while that would be oodles of fun to do, I think that there are even more fun ways to show the Earth just who is walk around on top and who is getting walked around on.

We could remind dear old Gaea to mind her place and keep her filthy vermin out of our fair cities would be to domesticate every animal species we could find. We’ve done it already with dogs, cats, horses, pigs, llamas, cows, chickens, turkeys, sheep, goats, alpacas, camels, and even have kind of domesticated reindeer, elephants, and jackals. If we really tried we could domesticate most any other animal. Given enough time and money we could breed them to all kinds of sizes and dispositions, perfect to most any job we humans give the brutes. How great would it be to finally have a decent helper monkey in every home? Or to have hunting tigers to fetch deer that have been shot, just like a dog fetches ducks? How about a trained guard rattle snake that was twelve inches around in diameter? That’d show any would be burglars. And think of how delicious some fresh tender Texas raised baboon would taste on the family table. Mmmm-mm-mmmm! I can taste it now.

I gotta be honest, half of the reason I love to eat is just to know that somebody put a cow or a pig or a chicken or all three to good use. Nothing is sadder than seeing a good young beef walking around in perfectly good shape, knowing all of that delicious marbled meat is just going to waste. Especially because they just get this gleam in their eye that says “Yeah I know I’m supposed to be satisfying your hunger as a delicious rib-eye. But I’m taking a day off. What are you gonna do about it?” I will not tolerate such insolence! Your job, Mr. Cow, is not to be looking at me! It is to be feeding me. That is your job and if you are not doing it you are being wasteful! And the only thing I hate worse than insolence is insolent wastefulness!

Not only would putting some of these no good lazy animals to work in our homes and on our tables remind all Nature who is in charge but I am certain that eventually some of us (read: women) would even begin to degrade all of our animals by breeding them to be, ugh, “cute.”

Just look at this horror! This was once a wolf. It’s ancestor was a terrifying vicious timber-wolf that brought down musk oxen and then fended off the last saber-tooth tigers to defend its kill in a long lost frozen taiga. And look at what we have done to it. If there is a Wolf God out there this… “thing” will never be accepted into the Heavenly Pack. Tragic. Even before someone dressed it up.

This poor chap to our left is a direct descendant of the wolf-dog that killed the last Colombian Mammoth. Crippled for life, that dog gave his all holding onto the Mammoth’s trunk, so that his masters could feast one last time before moving to new hunting grounds. His descendant, the dog to our left, is currently trying to swallow his own tongue in a vane attempt to end his own cloudy, unthinking, beastly life. We did this to him. And it is certain that the unending torture we have inflicted on dogs and cats alike, and even some farm animals, will be extended to all other creatures we shall domesticate. We will make them tiny, yippy, annoying, and pathetic. The purebreeds available in any pet store for children to taunt and coo at, but ultimately as disposable to those children as any toy.