I Missed Creed.

admin — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:36:46 +0000

I missed Creed tonight. I hate to miss Creed. Creed may well be the greatest cultural institution of the last score of years. I believe that, just as we once spoke of the Gilded Age or the Jacksonian Era, one day we will look back and call this the Age of Creed. The things Creed teaches us as nation each and every week that he is allowed on his television program “the Office” are both revolutionary and profound. I do not know why Creed needs four chairs or what he plans to do with them when the time comes, to be honest I doubt even someone of my amazing intelligence can fathom the multifaceted machinations Creed has in store for those four pieces of furniture, but I know I want to see that episode where he finally gets all four chairs. And you better bet your sweet bippy that when he does it will change everything! The only thing that might throw a kink into the works is the concurrent and coincidental existence of that horrible band of the same name.
Still I missed tonight’s Creed. I only did it as a favor to the internet community at large and the blogging community in particular to make a specially requested personal appearance at a gathering of bloggers. True, I was not personally requested to come by anyone in particular, but I had to appear personally and that e-vite was pretty freakin’ special. Had a puppy on it and everything.
I did not go expecting much. Most bloggers are convinced they are both unique and capable of making a difference in the world around them, which is of course patently idiotic because they are clearly not Creed. They are usually mildly tech savvy, semi-geeky individuals who are blogging as a “release” from the “stress” of their “lives”. Which is all nonsense. Real writers don’t write to relieve stress! Writing is the most stressful thing in the world to a real writer! We don’t do it because we like too! We do it for the money and because everyone else sucks at it. Do you realize how stressful that is?! Why else does every writer’s group meet with either a wet bar or an bunch of AA sponsors?!
Generally though I do respect bloggers for choosing a pastime that requires neither discipline nor pants to participate in. I believe this is the foundation to any successful pastime and the reason soccer will never take off in the hearts of Americans. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, this particular congress of blogospherians totally failed to be lacking either discipline or proper trousers. I showed up, as is my wont and as is normal for all aspiring writers, a good thirty to forty minutes late. (Avoiding landlords and creditors makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere on time, especially when you have to keep popping in to your favorite watering hole so you can, you know, keep your ear to the ground so to speak.) And rather than seeing shabbily dressed colleagues, their pockets full of loose tobacco, their hair a mess, their shoes scuffed beyond recognition, a warm mug of coffee and a little “sumin sumin” in their hands, ambling on in alongside me I saw clean and kept middle class types who had clearly finished the main business of the evening. All of their snazzy looking cards were handed out, they were all sitting around in quiet little coteries not saying a freakin’ word, and not a one of them had had to reach into their shoe to move the newspaper back over the hole in the sole! Needless to say I was at a loss.
I tried making friends but pretty quickly the subject of the stupidest show on television (aka “Lost”) came up. There was no one who was not so dogmatic in their support for the show that they would be willing to debate the true merits of my plan of just shooting the lead characters so that everyone else would not be killed by there stupidity. That was evident when everyone just turned back to their flavorless iced teas after I gave my proposal.
I figured I’d be asked to speak but for some reason the mic was never offered to me which was just as well. I’d missed Creed. No one could see that any drama that requires 5 seasons before it makes sense has to be bad. The business cards were no replacement for my shoe’s newspaper. A mic at that moment would have been less than pleasant for everyone else.
Anyways, I had a deadline to miss.

-Bob

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Everything I Know I Learned From The Blues Brothers.

admin — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:17:52 +0000

The Blues Brothers is on.
I watched the Blues Brothers everyday, twice a day, from at least the age of four to the age of maybe ten. I have seen this movie like 10,000 times. And I realize all I have ever learned, I learned from the Blues Brothers. Maybe they weren’t the lessons I was supposed to learn, but dang it I learned em anyways and neither you nor child protective services 20 years ago can take those lessons away from me. So I may as well write these down as I watch this most informative of movies so you can know what I know. (That’s code for this is gonna be a long one so settle back.)
Here is what I learned:

Sometimes you go to jail. It happens. Don’t worry though, they’ll let you out.
If you don’t know how to spell your name, tattoo it on your knuckles.
Signing X is okay.
Watches don’t have to work to be worn.
If possible, wear a suit. Ditto on sunglasses.
Sideburns rule.
Trading a car for a microphone is acceptable. Picking your brother up from prison in a cop car is not.
Sure we can jump that bridge!
You want a car without a catalytic converter.
You can’t lie to a nun.
Don’t mess with nuns. They are magic and mean.
The Tax man will kick orphans and nuns out on the street over a matter $5,000.
It isn’t the jail time that’ll disappoint your mom, it’s the filthy language and the bad attitude. (Sorry Ma.)
All you really need as you grow up is someone to play you Elmore James.
Get wise. Go to church.
Dancing is a natural extension of a vibrant faith.
All you need for a great church band is a bass, drums, keyboard, and choir.
Meeting Jesus means doing cartwheels down an aisle.
Jogging in place can be dancing.
God can use anyone.
If you are pulled over less than once every six months you’re doing okay.
Sam and Dave are the best cruising music.
Pretty much everything I know about driving, I learned from Elwood.
Cops probably have SCMODS.
It is normal and expected to run from cops.
We’ll be fine if we can get on the expressway.
Malls can double as an expressway.
Cops can’t catch you if you are working for God.
Sometimes girls try to blow you up. It happens. Don’t sweat it. Just get up and go inside.
There are hotels that welcome transients.
When life shoots at you with a missile launcher, dust yourself off and go inside.
If someone is depending on you to bring them cheese whiz then you do it.
You don’t really have to get in contact with your parole officer.
All you need for a comfortable apartment is 10 square feet.
If a train goes by enough it won’t bother you.
Your place just got blowed up? Well dust yourself off. Its almost 9 and time for work.
It is all about how you ask.
Being a musician justifies barging into someone’s house and questioning them.
It is perfectly acceptable to ask a friend if they have the money they owe, but only after you ask them how jail was.
Music can turn goat piss into gasoline.
It is perfectly acceptable to wear the same thing every day.
It is perfectly acceptable to wear a hat to the table.
You don’t need a reservation to get a seat.
Always wear a bib at fancy restaurants.
Piles of bread can be stuffed in your mouth if you no longer wish to talk.
Eating at a restaurant can be a powerful tool to persuade others.
Hating Illinois Nazis is a good thing.
If Nazis are on a bridge just gun it. They’ll jump out of the way.
John Lee Hooker Rules.
It is okay to order a whole fried chicken.
If you are a musician, you are probably going to wind up working in the food service industry in some way or going to go to jail at some point. Probably both.
The Cook County slammer’s oatmeal sucks.
Don’t blaspheme.
You may have to leave your wife to go hang around with your white hoodlum friends.
Blind people are good shots.
It is okay to shoot at children as long as you regret having to do it to stop them from stealing.
Piano prices are determined by how many keys they have.
Come on, let me see you shake a tail feather.
It’s okay to pay for instruments with an IOU.
Propane may be highly explosive but a telephone booth will easily protect you from that explosion.
Seven dollars worth of change is worth picking up at anytime.
Spray paint on the side of your car is great advertising.
1060 West Addison is the best address ever.
Chicken wire is a blessing.
You don’t have to be the band to play.
Hillbillies throw beer bottles to express every emotion from displeasure to joy.
“Gimme Some Loving” is not a Hank Williams song.
People love the theme from Rawhide.
You can dance on a tables, so feel free to.
Stand by your man, ladies.
“Stand by your man” has choreography and can be sung by any man.
Beer is not complementary.
Hillbillies hold grudges.
You can wear a hat in a sauna. Its okay.
Take your band everywhere.
Kids are great at getting people to your show.
Public loud speakers for are there for the taking.
Girls love guys with speakers attached to their cars.
It’s a great idea to advertise a show with graffiti on a bathroom wall.
Babes can’t do math.
Always ask the hot girl out. After you’ve taken her $94 dollars though.
Music is magic and can change your clothes.
You can admit to knowing hookers, as long as they have a cool name.
Glue is strong stuff.
Charity gigs are the hardest.
Thank the police for coming to the show, even if you know they are there to arrest you.
Every body needs somebody to love.
It’s okay to admit to a man who wants to hire you that the police want to arrest you.
Three songs is all you need for a crowd pleasing show.
Sometimes women will try to kill you, but you don’t really need to know why.
Don’t mess with girls. Cause then she will try to kill you.
Girls are terrible shots.
Girls don’t like to remain celibate.
Don’t make a girl use up the last of her father’s favors with the mob.
Just keep on talking, give her that look, and she’ll forgive you.
Feel free to drop a girl in the mud when you are done with her.
You can drive at night wearing sunglasses, so long as you have enough cigarettes.
Police barricades are largely ineffective.
Unnecessary violence can be authorized to stop a speeder.
The police will come at you with everything they have to stop you. Even horses and the National Guard.
They have a Picasso at the Honorable Richard J Daley Plaza.
Pileups. They happen too.
Nazis are homosexuals.
When cars die the sides fall off.
Feel free to pile things up.
Riding in elevators is boring.
SWAT dudes say “hut, hut hut hut hut” and can repel.
Always ask for directions.
It takes 509 police, state troopers, and national guardsmen to arrest two musicians.
Sorry. If the clerk is on break, you have to wait.
Shooting opens doors.
So does smashing them open.
Sometimes, you go to jail.

-Bob

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Boodachitaville » long long blogs

I Missed Creed.

Everything I Know I Learned From The Blues Brothers.