I’ve been watching the hit television show “Lost” and I have to say this show is possibly the dumbest thing ever filmed for television. And that is even after taking the show “Cavemen” into consideration.
Everyone on that show deserves every terrible thing that is coming to them. True, I haven’t seen all of the series and I have only started the third season but these morons deserve every single shock, beating, and capture they endure. Everything they do practically begs for them to be killed or captured. These people are like the freakin’ teenagers in a slasher flick. And just like the screaming 16 year old with a pickax stuck in their skull, these fools have done everything possible to make their situation as terrible as could possibly be imagined.
Let me ask you: you crashed land on an island with numerous hardened criminals and bunch of guns on a giant jungle island filled with fruit and game. So how long before you build a permanent signal fire and legitimate shelter? Two, maybe three days. Well these idiots have been on the island for two whole freakin months and they still haven’t done more than put some tarps up and no freakin signal fire!
Say then you get attacked by a polar bear, a smoke monster, and a group of mysterious strangers. So how long before you, in justified terror, put up some sort of fence or stockade or something around your primitive shelters? A few hours maybe! Most of us would be probably be chopping down trees and stacking them like Lincoln Logs the minute we realized that we did not know what was behind us!
And (spoiler) if you knew for certain that there were people who wanted to hurt you in your island and then a former friend who was probably captured by those enemies told you he was going to take only a few people including the lovable fat guy against those bad guys but was going to explicitly leaving out the Iraqi Republican Guard veteran/torturer, the big Nigerian who kills your enemies with his bare hands and a stick, the Korean mafia enforcer, the trigger happy ex-cop, and the knife welding survivalist nut, would you not suspect something was up?! For the love of St. Mike! I know that my eight year old cousin would and she knows more about ponies than assault teams!
And if these people took you hostage would you ever trust anything they ever said, fed, or gave you?!! NO!!! You would not because you would know how easily those things could be poisoned! Would you talk to them or believe anything they said?! NO!!! Because you would know that that is how Stockholm Syndrome begins and that soon you would be used for their evil designs just like your former friend was! (spoiler over)
Seriously! Gilligan and his crew would do a better job of dealing with the circumstances presented to these people!
Every time I see these people making any decisions I feel like I am seeing the equivalent of a cheerleader saying she’ll be right back and heading down the stairs to the basement or like I have just seen the couple that indulges in too much making out sneak off for a quiet moment. Everyone knows that they are just warmed over corpses at that point. And I have exactly the same amount of pity for the Lost people as I do for the those teenage murdering bags, none.
That is right I have no pity for any of these poor unfortunates. No, not even the heroes. And I have no pity for them for one very simple reason. None of them fight.
None of them ever fight!
They run. They talk. They cower. They hope. They scream. They cry. They arm themselves occasionally, but always ineffectually. But they never realize that everyone, EVERYONE, even them and their family back home, is already dead and that the only joy left to them is to try to inflict as much pain on their enemies as possible. They never take their anger and rage and fear and turn it animal like against their tormentors and throw themselves onto their enemies throats, tearing and biting with every last once of energy that their pain wracked bodies and fear addled minds have.
They hardly ever even stop and realize that if they begin to act like their enemies then they might frighten their enemies as much they are being frightened by them. Hunt “the Others” and maybe the Others will decide that it is best to stop hunting for a while and get on the defensive.
Get and ax and cut off Jason’s arms and let’s see how well he can use a chainsaw. Chop off his legs and you can light him on fire.
Burn down the jungle and leave the Others no place to hide and they’ll have to run, they might even decide that you are so crazy that they had better try to just stay away.
Allow “them” to shoot a hostage, preferably someone you love, just so you can shoot one of them and they realize you are willing to die to man just to kill a few of them. It’s all in Keyser Soze people! C’mon!
But do they ever do that? No. Maybe someone bluffs with a piece of glass to someone’s neck, but inevitably they will back down and let their enemy win.
They just let their enemy go and hope for someone else to save them.
I hope they get stuck in the eye.

-Bob

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I missed Creed tonight. I hate to miss Creed. Creed may well be the greatest cultural institution of the last score of years. I believe that, just as we once spoke of the Gilded Age or the Jacksonian Era, one day we will look back and call this the Age of Creed. The things Creed teaches us as nation each and every week that he is allowed on his television program “the Office” are both revolutionary and profound. I do not know why Creed needs four chairs or what he plans to do with them when the time comes, to be honest I doubt even someone of my amazing intelligence can fathom the multifaceted machinations Creed has in store for those four pieces of furniture, but I know I want to see that episode where he finally gets all four chairs. And you better bet your sweet bippy that when he does it will change everything! The only thing that might throw a kink into the works is the concurrent and coincidental existence of that horrible band of the same name.
Still I missed tonight’s Creed. I only did it as a favor to the internet community at large and the blogging community in particular to make a specially requested personal appearance at a gathering of bloggers. True, I was not personally requested to come by anyone in particular, but I had to appear personally and that e-vite was pretty freakin’ special. Had a puppy on it and everything.
I did not go expecting much. Most bloggers are convinced they are both unique and capable of making a difference in the world around them, which is of course patently idiotic because they are clearly not Creed. They are usually mildly tech savvy, semi-geeky individuals who are blogging as a “release” from the “stress” of their “lives”. Which is all nonsense. Real writers don’t write to relieve stress! Writing is the most stressful thing in the world to a real writer! We don’t do it because we like too! We do it for the money and because everyone else sucks at it. Do you realize how stressful that is?! Why else does every writer’s group meet with either a wet bar or an bunch of AA sponsors?!
Generally though I do respect bloggers for choosing a pastime that requires neither discipline nor pants to participate in. I believe this is the foundation to any successful pastime and the reason soccer will never take off in the hearts of Americans. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, this particular congress of blogospherians totally failed to be lacking either discipline or proper trousers. I showed up, as is my wont and as is normal for all aspiring writers, a good thirty to forty minutes late. (Avoiding landlords and creditors makes it nearly impossible to get anywhere on time, especially when you have to keep popping in to your favorite watering hole so you can, you know, keep your ear to the ground so to speak.) And rather than seeing shabbily dressed colleagues, their pockets full of loose tobacco, their hair a mess, their shoes scuffed beyond recognition, a warm mug of coffee and a little “sumin sumin” in their hands, ambling on in alongside me I saw clean and kept middle class types who had clearly finished the main business of the evening. All of their snazzy looking cards were handed out, they were all sitting around in quiet little coteries not saying a freakin’ word, and not a one of them had had to reach into their shoe to move the newspaper back over the hole in the sole! Needless to say I was at a loss.
I tried making friends but pretty quickly the subject of the stupidest show on television (aka “Lost”) came up. There was no one who was not so dogmatic in their support for the show that they would be willing to debate the true merits of my plan of just shooting the lead characters so that everyone else would not be killed by there stupidity. That was evident when everyone just turned back to their flavorless iced teas after I gave my proposal.
I figured I’d be asked to speak but for some reason the mic was never offered to me which was just as well. I’d missed Creed. No one could see that any drama that requires 5 seasons before it makes sense has to be bad. The business cards were no replacement for my shoe’s newspaper. A mic at that moment would have been less than pleasant for everyone else.
Anyways, I had a deadline to miss.

-Bob

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