Boodachitaville

3, Count ‘Em 3, Election Observations!

Friday, November 7th, 2008

1.) Kids, even though I didn’t vote for Obama let me say this: I have had a feeling for a while that regardless of who won the election that within the space of a year we all, as a nation, were doomed to wind up just like Oliver Hardy yelling at Stan Laurel, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”

So to all of you fellow McCain toleraters/supporters lets us all just be happy over the next four years to be the skinny guy stuck in four foot deep water getting yelled at by the fat guy who flooded the basement. And to all of you Obama supporters may I issue a pre-emptive “Sorry, Ollie.”

2.) Is this a freaking third world banana republic or something?! I understand that voter fraud has a grand and storied past but come on! When I know people who are friends with admitted fraudulent voters, when anyone even thinks they can get a voter card for Mickey Mouse, or when you’ve got folks standing watch outside polling places then how can anyone have any faith in the voting process?! I know that, against the Framers intentions, we limited the size of our Congress to allow easier fraud and the two parties tighter control over the political process and to make our representatives less accountable but this is getting transparently corrupt.

And with this bull about pre-voting and absentee voting you practically are inviting people to vote multiple times! Lord forbid that somebody vote two weeks early and then the voter change their mind or that candidate drop out (I am looking at you this primary season!) There is a reason that we have an election day! It so that we have a point in time when everybody is able to hear the whole argument and then finalizes their decision based on the info available to everyone! Early voting encourages fraud and requires uninformed voting.

So I propose this:

First, We make Election Day a Federally mandated holiday. Kids out of school and everyone off of work for a full 24 hours. Anyone who has to work gets triple overtime and a minimum of twelve hours off. It’s only every two years, and one of those is on a leap year. And America could use more holidays. Plus now kids can grow up watching their families participate in civic governance.

Second, Voting occurs during the whole 24 hour period. That way even people who ain’t paid attention can still figure it out and we don’t have to see grown reporters making fools of themselves trying to declare a winner at 4PM Eastern!

Third, Everyone gets a blue thumb! Worked to stop the al Qaeda in Iraqi from cheating, it’ll stop Acorn. But that means no more Absentee voting, ‘cept for overseas military and state department.

Fourth, We increase the number of representatives back to about one per every 30,000 people. Make your neighbor the guy the President has to talk to, not some schlemiel trucked in from Florida because he’s “electable” I say. That also means your cousin might get to be an Elector! And that means we might put an end to the rubber stamping of candidates by the Electoral College!

Fifth, Voting takes place at one location per Congressional district. One giant fair per district where people will all watch each other vote. Inside the bounds of the grounds voting, outside, campaigning and fun! There was a reason why early Americans loved politics, and a voting festival with friends, food, grog, and fun was no small part of it. If we gotta think about politics may as well make it bearable. Also that means no one can control a polling place by force, ‘cept the coppers. And that is probably a good thing. Maybe.

3.) I never did like Obama. His whole “Yes We Can!” shtick struck me as being a hackneyed emotional appeal to place a blind faith in him personally that Jesus Himself never asked. It stank of that ridiculous notion that people are basically good, and that mankind is not doomed to destroy itself, and that government is not damned to become tyrannical unless ruthlessly watched by patriots. But that’s just my opinion.

Until two hours ago. I hadn’t seen the 1979 cult classic “The Warriors” since I was a kid. But I just watched it again. And can I say that if Barack Obama had used Cyrus’s unifying chant of “Can You Dig It?!” instead of “Yes We Can” then 95% of Americans would have voted for him. That is a catch phrase people can get behind! That is a phrase that is full of both substance and style! A phrase Americans can rally behind! CAN YOU DIG IT!

Can you dig it, President-elect Obama? I am certain you will be running for President for the next four years, so be certain you can, lest in four years we Republicans begin to dig it ourselves.

You Commie.

-Bob