Isn’t it great being human?  I love it.  Look at us, we should all be so dead from exposure to the elements, being turned into snacks by actual animals, and poisoning what has to be the second most pathetic digestive system in the world.  (Award for most pathetic digestive system going to the Giant Panda, whose ridiculously restrictive diet of pretty much only bamboo shoots is an inspiration to every college guy who has found himself eating frozen pizza four time a day three weeks in a row.) 

But instead of dying everyday, like we as an entire species would if thrown to “Mother Nature’s” “mercies”, we rule this Earth.  All creatures are subject to our iron-fisted rule!  In fact our domination for this world is so complete in most eyes that many people are worried about what we are doing to the world.  We are constantly warned that our carelessness could destroy the entire planet.  If I had a nickel for every time I have been told that a failure to recycle was going to damn this rock to a hellish dystopian future I’d be rich enough to burn the whole rain forest down.  And while that would be oodles of fun to do, I think that there are even more fun ways to show the Earth just who is walk around on top and who is getting walked around on.

We could remind dear old Gaea to mind her place and keep her filthy vermin out of our fair cities would be to domesticate every animal species we could find.  We’ve done it already with dogs, cats, horses, pigs, llamas, cows, chickens, turkeys, sheep, goats, alpacas, camels, and even have kind of domesticated reindeer, elephants, and jackals.  If we really tried we could domesticate most any other animal.  Given enough time and money we could breed them to all kinds of sizes and dispositions, perfect to most any job we humans give the brutes.  How great would it be to finally have a decent helper monkey in every home?  Or to have hunting tigers to fetch deer that have been shot, just like a dog fetches ducks?  How about a trained guard rattle snake that was twelve inches around in diameter?  That’d show any would be burglars.  And think of how delicious some fresh tender Texas raised baboon would taste on the family table.  Mmmm-mm-mmmm!  I can taste it now.

I gotta be honest, half of the reason I love to eat is just to know that somebody put a cow or a pig or a chicken or all three to good use.  Nothing is sadder than seeing a good young beef walking around in perfectly good shape, knowing all of that delicious marbled meat is just going to waste.  Especially because they just get this gleam in their eye that says “Yeah I know I’m supposed to be satisfying your hunger as a delicious rib-eye.  But I’m taking a day off.  What are you gonna do about it?”  I will not tolerate such insolence!  Your job, Mr. Cow, is not to be looking at me!  It is to be feeding me.  That is your job and if you are not doing it you are being wasteful!  And the only thing I hate worse than insolence is insolent wastefulness!

Not only would putting some of these no good lazy animals to work in our homes and on our tables remind all Nature who is in charge but I am certain that eventually some of us (read: women) would even begin to degrade all of our animals by breeding them to be, ugh, “cute.” 

Just look at this horror!  This was once a wolf.  It’s ancestor was a terrifying vicious timber-wolf that brought down musk oxen and then fended off the last saber-tooth tigers to defend its kill in a long lost frozen taiga.  And look at what we have done to it.  If there is a Wolf God out there this… “thing” will never be accepted into the Heavenly Pack.  Tragic.  Even before someone dressed it up.

This poor chap to our left is a direct descendant of the wolf-dog that killed the last Colombian Mammoth.  Crippled for life, that dog gave his all holding onto the Mammoth’s trunk, so that his masters could feast one last time before moving to new hunting grounds.  His descendant, the dog to our left, is currently trying to swallow his own tongue in a vane attempt to end his own cloudy, unthinking, beastly life.  We did this to him.  And it is certain that the unending torture we have inflicted on dogs and cats alike, and even some farm animals, will be extended to all other creatures we shall domesticate.  We will make them tiny, yippy, annoying, and pathetic.  The purebreeds available in any pet store for children to taunt and coo at, but ultimately as disposable to those children as any toy.

And that’ll really show Nature. 

Plus I’d love to have a grizzly bear I can put in my backpack.    

PS As always feel free to comment here or on our brand new Forums!

-Bob

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We have to find a use for vermin!
Seriously. We have to find a use for vermin! I am sick of them, Sick of every last one of them. And I have killed so many of them I do not know how many more I can kill. I have crushed the skulls and snapped the necks of every one of them I can get my hands on! And any of them I couldn’t get a hold of I have poisoned or trapped and starved to death! And I mean all of them! All of them, the rats, mice, roaches, snakes, wombats, squirrels, raccoons, opossums, and every other stinking animal pestilence that has ever been sent to carry disease into our homes. The stupid little vermin!
They try to get into my house all of the freaking time and I can’t stand it any longer. I am going to bait and lay so many freaking traps that there isn’t going to be a roach that doesn’t set off a rat trap! Unless I can find a way to start making these monsters do my bidding or at least find a use for them.
And it isn’t like they can help it. Stupid little, disgusting, parasitical, parasite ridden, property destroying monsters… They just want to nest in my walls for protection from the elements and feed off of my food, which is basically what I am doing myself. And if they are basically doing what I do in one respect, why can’t they do what I do in other respects, like be forced to turn a profit?
See so much of the problem is that killing these buggers just seems like such a waste. I mean, why kill something and dispose of its carcass when I could enslave it and use it‘s energies for my own profit? So much waste. And wherever there is waste there can be profit. If only I could find a use for the vermin why I could be rich.
But this isn’t just about money (although that SHOULD be good enough for anyone.) This is about reminding Mother Nature yet again who is in charge here! Here we have billions of organisms that we have been in contact with since creation and the best thing we have been able to conceive of doing with these foul things is to destroy them. What kind of masters and rulers over nature would we be if we could not bend every piece of our dominion to our will? And isn’t that what science is supposed to be used for, bending nature to our will?!
That’s it. We can find a use for vermin. NO!!! We MUST find a use for vermin! And not just as science experiments or the basis for cartoon characters anymore! Real, day-in-day-out, profitable, marketable, easily understood by a mass audience uses. Do you here me Science! We need our best minds on this today so I can claim royalties from the idea tomorrow!
Flibberdeegibbets! I’ll bet that all of the best Scientists are reading this now and are going to come up with all sorts of uses for vermin and take all of the credit for their hard work and my idea.
So lets see here…
Uses for vermin…
Uses…
Uses…
DANGABIT!! Se me next week!

-Bob

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This may sound a like it is coming from out in left field and it may seem like something you could never relate to but suck it up and listen to me for a minute: Getting Ice Sucks.
HOLD ON A MINUTE AND LET ME FINISH!
Okay. I have to get ice A LOT. A whole lot. Why? Doesn’t matter. Point is I have to get ice a lot out of a dispenser and I hate it. Everyday I have to go and take a bucket and stand at an ice dispenser and wait like some trained monkey for a machine to cough up frozen water into my bucket like I am some sort of trained monkey. LIKE A TRAINED MONKEY!!! GAAARRRR!!!
Am I not a man? Have I not the spark of the divine within me? Am I not made of the same stuff that Richard Coeur de Leon, Aristotle, Catherine the Great, Qin Shi Huang, and Gypsy Rose Lee were made of?! Has not my kind tamed the atom and sent countless monkeys hurtling into space?
Yet daily I must stand before a machine, of our own conniving, steals away both my life and my joy every second I am before it.
What is truly infuriating is that I should enjoy getting ice when I don’t. Can yo0u imagine a greater sign of man’s dominance over nature than the ability to provide plentiful amounts of water to himself in any form that he likes? I think not! The ability to produce AT MY PLEASURE innumerable pieces of frozen water in the midst of a hot dry Boodachitaville summer should be a big enough slap in the face of the natural order to make me very happy indeed. The power to create a bit of a frozen Siberian winter in the midst of scorcher should make me laugh like a hyena with joy and power.
But I am not pleased. No. Not at all. I am not pleased because I am forced to hold a bucket under an opening to a machine, hold down a lever, and WAIT for ice to come forth!
Some of you may think I am overreacting, but I know I am not. I know I am not because I am the one holding the little bucket waiting for it to fill up enough to pour into a big bucket. Now the pouring part I don’t mind one bit. Kinda like that part even. I get to try to carefully create an ice-scape if ice-mountains and ice-valleys by manipulating the manner in which I pour the ice into my big bucket o’ ice. But to get that little bucket of ice I have to stand and push a lever and wait for the malicious ice demon in the ice machine to sputter out his man-made reminders of winter. And there is nothing to do except hold the bucket and push the lever.
I just stand there with a bucket, pushing a lever, and waiting as the seconds of my life slip past in the most zazz-less job of the day, moment by moment, ice cube by ice cube. I dare not look around or think of anything except the ice cubes lest the evil that lives within the machine hurl forth a veritable avalanche of ice onto my hand and bucket. Instead I stand. I stand there like a machine, waiting on a machine, with nothing else to do but wait on the machine, as though I were made for it and not it the other way around.
It is almost like being mocked by Nature itself. It is like the machine has taken the place of Nature and now seeks to gain dominance over me as Nature did my ancestors. But that shall not happen. I will prevail as men always have over such inconveniences.
I will build a machine to gather my ice. That’ll show it.

-Bob

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