Well the most wonderful time of the year is almost upon us again and of course by that I mean football season! Everyman and half of the women in this 
fine land of ours patiently await the arrival of late August when at last our television tubes can again warmly flicker with the images of our favorite gridiron warriors smashing and destroying themselves and each other for a few yards of turf, a few seconds of glory, and the adoration of millions. Well everyman except for myself and my friend Eric. Eric doesn’t care for football, or sports in general, and I just can’t afford the cost of a new TV every week after throwing my set out of a window when one of the fine lads from my favorite team screws the freak up and can’t even manage to catch a simple freakin football that stupid dunderhead oughta be throwin to the everlovin wolves GOD bless him….or the hospital bills from the inevitable glass shards in my feet and fists.
But I do love football. And I just wish more people could enjoy it like I do as well. To that end I propose the following improvements be made to our true national sport.
1.) No Pads: Seriously, who on earth are these things helping? Rugby has got about the same amount of injuries as football or maybe even less right? So what are we trying to prove? We lose the pads, go back to the sweaters of old, find out who really has the guts to throw themselves headlong into another human being as hard as they can, and prove that our guys are as tough as the athletes of any other sport! Plus then other countries may not be so worried about the start-up expenses associated with adopting a new sport. I bet Morocco is just primed to embrace football if we could only get the cost down!
2.) Play don’t stop till the ball does: Right now if a guy touches the ground with much more than the soles of his feet the play ends. And this is lame. I know football is all about the scrimmage and not about the scrum but come on! If we keep the action moving we will see more action and everyone gets happy! So how about we only call the play when the ball stops moving. As long as the player with the ball is moving at all the defense will have to try to stop him or get the ball. Also missed passes could turn into something really interesting.
3.) Pass Interference and Holding Rule!: Let it happen! Come on and let the guys actually fight it out for the ball. Facemasking should stay a no-no though cause that sucks. But a linebacker picking up a quarterback and running him back to for a safety would be awesome!
4.) Anyone can throw to anyone anywhere.: And why shouldn’t they! The A-11 offense sounds really cool to watch so why not expand it? Let a lineman receive a pass every once in a while! It’ll be great for Sportscenter, especially when the lineman passes the ball backwards to a tight end who then kicks the ball to another receiver! To that end,
5.) Kicking should be a form of passing: Yeah! Make the punt, or even the kickoff, receivable by anybody! That’ll turn an otherwise dreary fourth down formality into something charged with potential.
6.) Use the goal posts better: Make hitting a goal post and then going through the uprights while kicking a field goal or an extra point worth 15 points! True, few coaches would try it, but it’d be a game changer when it happens. Also if the ball is thrown through the uprights that would be 2 points. Likewise any field goal from beyond the 40 should be worth 8 points.
7.) Safeties should be worth more: They are harder to get than touchdowns and so they should be worth more, say 10 points.
8.) Expand the number of players on the bench to 120: With the number of injuries sustained by my rules, they’ll be needed.
-Bob
