I want one thing to be understood right upfront: I am as big a fan of both a little innocent devilishness and of women as there possibly can be.  There is nothing I enjoy quite so well as the company of the fairer sex, hearing their points of view (which are numerous), learning their likes and dislikes, their sensibilities, etc, etc.  As well, their are few things which I enjoy better than rooting for the bad guy to win.  Just because someone is a criminal or some kind of megalomaniac doesn’t mean that deep down inside they are rotten.  They just… got a little off course.  They may appear to be, or may in fact be evil, but still you just have to hope they win.

That said: ”Twilight” is the devil and its mind controlling vampire evil must be stopped at all costs!

For those of you who, like myself, have not read the “Twilight” series it is a very popular series of books about some girl and a vampire who is SOOOOOOOoooo GREAT that all the girls who read theose stupid books are all like “Ooooh that vampire is so dreamy!  I just think he is so great!  Why can’t real boys be like him?  I wish I had a vampire to stalk me. I’m going to hold ridiculous expectations about guys now for the rest of my life!”

Seriously Ladies put the books down!  This thing has to stop!  Let me remind you of a few things:

Number One: He is a VAMPIRE!  Vampires are evil!  Not fun evil but evil evil.  Girls, they are hellspawn and do not make good drinking buddies let alone potential life partners!  Why?  Because they are evil monsters who feed on the blood of the living!  Which is METAL and AWESOME I know!  MONSTERS WHO FEED ON BLOOD ARE BRUTAL!  But that is because the are horrific undead fiends who terrorize the night NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE PRETTY BOYS WHOSE FEMININITY MAKES YOUR ENTRANCE INTO SEXUAL MATURITY LESS FRIGHTENING!  They deserve wooden stakes be driven into all of their unholy chest cavities and their undead bodies, an abomination to God that must be burned with fire!

Number Two: Men don’t act like that and you don’t want them to act like that!  Any dude who waits more than three weeks for a girl inevitably winds up being labeled a loser by the girl he is going after.  Now I know the truth about women: If a girl likes a guy it doesn’t matter what he does, she likes him and if she doesn’t like a guy it doesn’t matter what he does, she doesn’t like him.  So stop pretending, NO Stop thinking that every guy needs to act like this guy!  Good grief!  Most women would call the cops on any dude who, as I was informed, snuck into a girl’s bedroom and watched her sleep.  Eeewww…  In this case your book informed sensibilities are as wrong as any man’s who, after readinga few  ”Conan the Barbarian” pulps, wants to walk around in fur loincloth!

Number Three: Any Vampire and any obsessively romantic pretty boy should be treated with Hatred, pure and unadulterated Hatred!  It is the natural order of the universe.  They are both things that should not be.  ANd combining them does not make it any better.  If anything an obsssively romantic pretty boy vampire should be the most hated of Satan’s servants.

Friends, this kind of ”swooning” for an akwardly creepy demonspawn must be stopped!  We must rid ourselves of “Twilight.”  If we do not then we may only expect to see more women thinking prissy sissies are desirable, more vampires not being killed at our soonest convenience, and more unholy unions of dark enemy and ruinously unrealistic expectation.  If we do not act soon it is not unlikely that we shall see books about that most terrible and impossible hoped for monster: the smokin’ hot werewolf girlfriend who doesn’t mind that you forgot her birthday.

And then none of us would be safe.

-Bob

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I was watching TV, as is my wont, and saw a commercial for a women only “fitness center”, you know a gym which is only for women so that people who would otherwise have been squeezed out of the gym market by more farsighted and quick acting entrepreneurs could find a niche and then wedge themselves into a significant share of the gym market, and I was struck by three observations.
1.) Why is a black woman selling the free tanning? Not that she shouldn’t, heck in a more northerly latitude it might well behoove her to enjoy some winter time artificial sunlight, ya know, for the prevention of Seasonal Affective Disorder and all. Still seems like that unlimited access to tanning booths wouldn’t be as strong a selling point for her personally as to say, a Irish/Swedish woman who fears neither skin cancer nor leathery skin. Just an interesting production choice.
2.) Why are these women segregating themselves?! The only reason any of us works out is so the opposite sex can see us and be impressed! People may say it is for health, but that is ridiculous. Healthy eating and just puttering around the backyard would take care of a lot of the problems that people are running on treadmills or doing pilates for hours to supposedly avoid. And if we all got really honest most of us are careening wildly as fast as we can towards the welcome embrace of death! None of us want to really live as long as our workout regimen will force us to live. No. None of us want to live so long that we have to start taking annoying medications and watching what we eat, just so we can cling to a joyless, pain-filled, disease ridden, limited life while our even more hedonistic friends and family die off around us. We want to die with a cheeseburger clenched in one fist of a massive unsuspected coronary after a lifetime without any health scares years before we see age’s cruel decay begin to dream of withering our or our friend’s youth. That is what we all want.
Nobody needs a six pack or a butt of steel or awesome lats. We don’t hunt gazelles or flee from lions anymore! The only reason anyone wants those is for the opposite sex to become enamored with! So why hide it at a women only gym, Ladies?
I can only see two possible reasons: One, like the ancient Lakaedemonians (aka the Spartans) of old these ladies, ahem, prefer the company of their own sex more than that of their complement and would prefer to exercise for each other or Two, these ladies do not believe they can compete with the ladies in the co-ed gyms and do not think they are getting enough of the attention that gyms should be providing them.
I think this has to be the case. I cannot help but believe that after enough time in the women only gym a lot of these ladies, who will suddenly find themselves looking much better than they initially did, shall find the company of men while they work out more welcome. Unless they
3.) It is fun how modern thought always winds up emulating ancient thought after all of the refinement and nobility has been stripped from it. Feminists who would have been offended at the thought of being segregated away from the male population to protection them from men watching them exercise are now segregating themselves from men as they exercise to protect themselves from men seeing them exercise. I do not understand how on earth men restraining each other for the comfort of women is chauvinistic but women forcing men to restrain themselves for the sake of the women doing the enforcing is liberated. The former was looking to, on some level, look out for the interests of the other at its own expense. The latter looks only to its own interests. Ah well. It isn’t like a lot of those ladies going to their own gym is costing any of us any joy or camaraderie or even a potential date!
4.) I can’t believe it. The best season of the year is already over. It is October and Bikini Season is over. DANG IT! I know I should be thankful for it finally be cool enough to make me not want to die, but RATS! Sure I like the lassies Fall Fashions, what with the skirts and all but still Bikini Season is awesome! It is the only time of the year you can know a girl isn’t wearing supportive something or tummy tucking thing and know that what you see is what you get. Plus now EVERYONE is gonna start eating more! Now we are all gonna start fattening up for Christmas and that means that we are all going to hear again and again and again about diets and what have you in 3 months as the lassies begin to prepare for Bikini Season once again.
Eh. Months of whining about Bikini Season coming so that the girls can be ready for Bikini Season. Yeah. It’s worth it.

-Bob

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