We have to find a use for vermin!
Seriously. We have to find a use for vermin! I am sick of them, Sick of every last one of them. And I have killed so many of them I do not know how many more I can kill. I have crushed the skulls and snapped the necks of every one of them I can get my hands on! And any of them I couldn’t get a hold of I have poisoned or trapped and starved to death! And I mean all of them! All of them, the rats, mice, roaches, snakes, wombats, squirrels, raccoons, opossums, and every other stinking animal pestilence that has ever been sent to carry disease into our homes. The stupid little vermin!
They try to get into my house all of the freaking time and I can’t stand it any longer. I am going to bait and lay so many freaking traps that there isn’t going to be a roach that doesn’t set off a rat trap! Unless I can find a way to start making these monsters do my bidding or at least find a use for them.
And it isn’t like they can help it. Stupid little, disgusting, parasitical, parasite ridden, property destroying monsters… They just want to nest in my walls for protection from the elements and feed off of my food, which is basically what I am doing myself. And if they are basically doing what I do in one respect, why can’t they do what I do in other respects, like be forced to turn a profit?
See so much of the problem is that killing these buggers just seems like such a waste. I mean, why kill something and dispose of its carcass when I could enslave it and use it‘s energies for my own profit? So much waste. And wherever there is waste there can be profit. If only I could find a use for the vermin why I could be rich.
But this isn’t just about money (although that SHOULD be good enough for anyone.) This is about reminding Mother Nature yet again who is in charge here! Here we have billions of organisms that we have been in contact with since creation and the best thing we have been able to conceive of doing with these foul things is to destroy them. What kind of masters and rulers over nature would we be if we could not bend every piece of our dominion to our will? And isn’t that what science is supposed to be used for, bending nature to our will?!
That’s it. We can find a use for vermin. NO!!! We MUST find a use for vermin! And not just as science experiments or the basis for cartoon characters anymore! Real, day-in-day-out, profitable, marketable, easily understood by a mass audience uses. Do you here me Science! We need our best minds on this today so I can claim royalties from the idea tomorrow!
Flibberdeegibbets! I’ll bet that all of the best Scientists are reading this now and are going to come up with all sorts of uses for vermin and take all of the credit for their hard work and my idea.
So lets see here…
Uses for vermin…
Uses…
Uses…
DANGABIT!! Se me next week!

-Bob

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Listen, I know I kinda promised to use this weeks blog to help us all get a bit richer by coming up with idea for useful tasks we could train vermin to do for us at a profit. And, no that is not nuts, that is genius so shut up! But then Michael Jackson died. And there is no way I can ignore the passing of such a… person without making at least a few comments on the matter. It also doesn’t hurt to change my topic seeing as how after thinking and thinking about it that the only jobs I can think of for vermin to do were preparing newspaper for recycling by shredding it and cleaning up little bits of crud by carrying it to their dens and both of those ideas would be ruined by the little nasties habit of peeing everywhere they go. Still the theory is sound I say! If our society saw fit we could totally find a use for these pests.
(I’ll let you make your own terrible “Michael Jackson as society’s pest” joke here as a transition.)
Michael Jackson was more than that horrible and totally inappropriate joke that you just thought! Michael Jackson was once a beloved icon and hero to lots of America.
Michael Jackson defined cool for us in the Nineteen Eighties.
Michael Jackson showed us how high a single individual could soar, how influential and powerful one person could become through the power of music.
Then Michael Jackson showed us how, almost overnight, Pepsi and a few botched surgeries could take all of that love and respect away.
Michael Jackson soon began to fill another role in our world, a role that was almost as important as being our beloved wunderkind, the role of being the nations creepy weirdo who lives just a little to close to our house.
After showing us how much we could love and desire to emulate one man for his talent and coolness Michael Jackson then showed us how far we could tolerate one man’s utter strangeness and creepiness without chasing him from our midst with lit torches like he was some sort of high voiced Frankenstein monster.
Michael Jackson let us test our national capacity to cut a guy some slack based entirely off of who he was before “that” happened.
In some ways, Micheal Jackson was like one of the Roman Emperors of old. After winning the love and admiration of a nation in his youth, MJ began to first show a few quirks and oddities, the single glove and the Elephant Man skeleton, that we could enjoy as eccentricities, odd ornaments of his character that bespoke of how he truly was not like us. But, again as with the Roman Emperors, with time his desires began to offend and disturb us with their expense and questionable morality, such as owning Neverland Ranch or being friends with Elizabeth Taylor, even as he ceased to look anything like the young man we had known and adored.
In time Jackson even became so strange and disturbing a figure that we had to take him out for offending and outraging every sensibility of society, just as the Praetorian Guard had to do to the Emperors. True we did it with jokes and investigations, and rightly so I might add cause that guy was weird. And, unlike the Emperors, Michael Jackson died from something other than being stabbed to death, so you got to give him that.
The point stands that for almost a good two decades Michael Jackson was our nation’s beloved, respected, admired, young hero turned strange, barely tolerated, powerful, creepy, weird guy in chief and was the standard of how much weird we would tolerate in the rich and famous.

Now with Michael Jackson gone who will we look to in order to be reminded of how far the innocent can fall and to measure the creepiness of other celebrities against so that their perverse and illegal lifestyles seem more palatable? 

Eh, Good enough for me.

-Bob

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