DAGNABIT!!!
Fer the Love of Mike and the Angels that ain’t a burger, Wendy’s!
Come on! A man is bound to get the occasional midnight craving for seared red meat and cheese on a bun and it is his right as an American to be able to trade his dollars he has earned by trading his ever diminishing time to an employer for dollars at anytime, from the wee small hours of the morning to the bright, sunlit rays of the afternoon, for the taste and stomach-y satisfaction that only those three ingredients combined can provide! It’s in the Declaration of Independence! What else could “the pursuit of happiness” have meant to Mr. Jefferson? Huh?
And you give me this?! This flavorless tin foil wrapped thing of flavorless gray grease, oily yellow stuff, and chilled flavorless bunnery is unacceptable and unworthy to call itself by the noble name of cheeseburger.
Sigh.
Of course it is not your fault Wendy’s. You tried your best. I mean at least you were open for me and you had a drive through window. Burger King won’t do that for me or America. And Macdonald’s is unable to produce anything that carbon based life forms can consume, let alone a burger. Not even Sonic can produce a burger that actually tastes more of meat than of bun. Really Wendy’s, you didn’t do much worse than a lot of the burgers I have had from the “gourmet burger” places (as if such a thing as a “gourmet burger could even exist!) Why at least the thing you gave me was warm enough to melt the yellow stuff on it, unlike the burgers I’ve had from Red Robin or Fuddruckers or, Lord preserve me I beg Thee for it is true, TGIFridays. Those things are terrible and they cost twice as much as my whole meal from you on a night when I ordered chicken nuggets to replace the fries. Heck, I’ve had better IHOP burgers than the one from TGIFridays! And you have never violated me and my taste-buds like those blackguards at White Castle did. The villains, makes me want to vomit thinking about it!
Why, by all that is good and artery clogging, is there no local hamburger joint open at 3AM to serve my need for dead cow carcass? there should, by ancient and revered tradition, be at least one place in every town that is locally owned and able to serve burgers and fries and shakes to the famished denizens of its environs through to the dawn, and preferably it should be a car hop type place.
Course most of the local places around here only want to make those greasy little “steak burger” style burgers. I don’t get that. I mean I get it, but I don’t. I like the brown crunchies and blood pudding bits as much as the next guy but to make a whole burger out of them? That is crazy. Where is the meat? I mean, you don’t need to make the burger patty weigh six pounds, thought that doesn’t hurt, but you’ve got to leave some room for the beefiness. And what is up with these “sliders”? Those make no sense! “Hey! We are going to sell you less burger! But don’t worry. We can charge you the same as before because they have an awesome name: Sliders!”
Oh! For a burger made from real meat! Oh! For a patty that is seasoned to accentuate the taste of beef! For a patty that is juicy, and not just covered in grease! Oh! For real cheese to accentuate the taste of the beef and not to hide it! Oh! Woe to us for it is impossible to find it for sale in this town after closing time and we are much disheartened.
It almost makes me want to try to make it myself.
But that is madness and I will not indulge it. I do not want to trade the dollars I have gained by trading my time at work for dollars for the ingredients to make a burger. No siree me. I want to trade the dollars I have earned by trading my time at work for dollars for a finished burger handed to me through my car window by a courteous smiling, preferably paper hat wearing, preferably curvaceous employee.
This is America still after all. And America should stand for something.

-Bob

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